Thanks-giving and Thanks-receiving

November is Thanksgiving month. Despite the concurrence of tumultuous things happening in the world that need to get better, most of us have so many more things on our “good list” to appreciate and nurture. Thanksgiving was created to remind us of those things we should count up and be thankful for; to recognize that the magnitude of these positives far outweigh, for most of us, the adversities we need to deal with or overcome.

Thanksgiving also reminds us of the people we should be thankful for. These relationships are at or near the top of our “good list” and ripe for cultivating more joy and fulfillment in our lives. One of the most valuable and easy ways to do that is to recognize the importance of thanks-giving and thanks-receiving in every relationship…and be good at both.

Thanks-giving: Expressing gratitude, appreciation or a compliment for something or to someone.

Thanks-receiving: Accepting, reacting and responding to gratitude, appreciation or a compliment expressed to you.

Are You a Consistent and Good Thanks-giver?

Who are the people in your life that make it better…those close to you that give your life more meaning? Do you tell them regularly that you are thankful for who they are and what they contribute to your happiness and well-being? Are you a thanks-giver to them? What about those who cross your path less frequently but brighten or better a given day?

A compliment is a gift you give. One of the valuable ways to be a good thanks-giver to others is to deliver the gift of a sincere and good compliment. Whether it’s regarding someone’s home, a meal they prepared, their parenting style, or a job well done, a good compliment can leave a meaningful and lasting impression on its beneficiary. Here are five reminders of how to be a good complimentary thanks-giver.

1. Make being a thanks-giver a habit. People appreciate being acknowledged for the positive contributions to your work team, to your family or to your life. Consciously look for their hard-working results, their positive characteristics and actions, the kind gestures expressed, and don’t let them go unnoticed. Tell them you recognize, benefit from and appreciate those traits. Build verbal or written thanks-giving into your daily way of functioning.
2. Be specific. A specific compliment proves your praise comes from a thoughtful place and that you truly mean it. For example, instead of saying “Great input at the meeting today,” you might say “I really benefited from your input at the meeting. You asked some very insightful questions that I think helped clarify the entire team’s direction.”
   
3. Make sure it’s sincere. Never flatter with excessive or insincere praise.
4. When possible make eye contact as you compliment them. This shows sincerity and reinforces that you mean what you say.
5. Give compliments right away. Thanks-giving is more impactful when it is delivered quickly…the closer to the receivers actions the better; immediately when you observe it conveys a genuineness. If you want to take some time to gather your thoughts, do so, but try and deliver your appreciation within 24 hours.

Recently I had an awesomely good experience when I called a non-profit advisory organization for input on options regarding a health issue. I wasn’t expecting much so I was delightfully surprised when I was able to have an extensive talk with an exceptional individual who truly helped me clarify options for the family member involved. After receiving her detailed follow-up email I took a few minutes to compose a response that I hoped conveyed the thankfulness she deserved. It read,

“I want to send you a deeply sincere thank you for your very helpful, professional and comforting call. Your style and knowledge was positively reinforcing. What you do and how you do it clearly makes a difference in people’s lives.”

Shortly thereafter she emailed me back, “Jim, this made my day. Thank you for the kind words.” I think she truly meant it.

This exchange reminded me of how Thanks giving and receiving can be such positive and meaningful reciprocal reinforcements…from giver to receiver and from receiver to giver. Thanks-receiving, done right, is a gift back to your thankful or complimentary sender.

Being A Good Thanks-receiver

Although we’re keen to receive appreciation and compliments, and pleased when they arrive, we tend to botch their reception. Remember a compliment or thank you is a gift. Given sincerely it usually is more valuable than a store bought gift. Yet we often don’t receive a compliment with the same appreciation as a tangible gift. Too often we devalue them, deny them or deflect them, downgrading the intent and effort of the thanks-giver. Such replies as “oh, it was nothing”, or “anybody could have done it”, or “I didn’t think it was that good,” not only reduces the value of the gift to you, but also leaves wanting the positive and meaningful reciprocal reinforcement from receiver to giver.

So what’s the best way to respond to a compliment? The answer is…“Thank you.” There’s never a thanks-receiving circumstance where a simple, sincere thank you won’t work to provide positive reciprocal reinforcement.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t upgrade your thank you with an add on if you want. In preparing my thank-you email above I wanted to get a reply that acknowledged how much I valued her superior help. If I had heard nothing, or a “just doing my job” type response I would have felt lesser about my effort. A “Thank you” would have been great. That she added, “You made my day,” made mine meaningfully better.

Add-ons to “Thank you” or “Thank you very much,” could be

• “That’s meaningful to me;”
• “I appreciate you saying that;”
• “I was happy with the results and I’m pleased you are too.”

If someone else deserves equal credit for the compliment acknowledge that: “Thank you. I know your feedback will mean a lot to Kelly as she was a key player in making this happen too.”

There is no better time than Thanksgiving month to begin or upgrade the habit of being a grateful and gracious thanks-giver and thanks-receiver. Think of someone now you can begin with…today.

Happy Thanks-Giving!