Do We Expect Too Much of Ourselves?

Achievement and enjoyment, the core components of a positive work-life balance can be hijacked by unrealistic expectations and harsh self judgments about your current level of accomplishment.

‘”We have expanded what we expect of material success and physical appearance so that it’s completely unrealistic”, according to Robert Leahy, doctor of psychiatry and director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy.

When our exposure to the world and its wonders was more limited, so were our ambitions. When our array of capabilities as individuals and societies was more constrained, so was our desired reach. At one time a “Chicken in every pot and a car in every yard” was considered a winning political slogan in the US.

Since that slogan elected a president, decades of unparalleled growth in productivity and communications have multiplied our capabilities, our wealth and our exposure to the affluence of others.  This has raised our definition of success.  And in a very important way that is good, as great progress is never made without great aspirations.

But on a personal level, unnecessarily expanding your expectations of what you must have to be a success, or to be happy, can set you up for the negative consequences of excessive self-criticism.  Conversely, appreciating the success you have and do achieve every day, can add greatly to your life value and balance.  This was brought home to me by two chance encounters I had within a few of days of each other.

The first was when I was flying home from a business trip and struck up a conversation with a thirty something mom sitting next to me.  During our pleasant conversation I learned her husband, who worked on Wall Street, was rebuilding his career after his previous firm went under during the recent banking shake outs.  I mentioned reading that the average expected pay for this year (from janitor to managing partner) at one of the surviving top investment banking firms was $700,000 – despite the downturn in the economy.  Her stressful response was, “Yes, but $700,000 doesn’t go very far in New York.”

A day or two later a sign that read “Fresh vegetables and fruit market” caught my eye as I was driving home from work.  The sign was stuck up in the window of a storefront in a somewhat run down strip mall.  I parked and walked into what was a small informal open space with waste high, loosely arranged, wooden bins.  They held lush corn, peaches, potatoes, squash and tomatoes all looking like they had just been dug or picked from a field nearby.  What caught my eye was the fresh okra, something that is hard to find and delicious when pan fried.

The establishment was manned by one gentleman with a delightful Jamaican accent. He greeted the few customers who came in with a warm hello and offered attentive happy assistance.  As I checked out my small purchase (the okra for dinner was $1) I told the smiling proprietor that I would be back with my wife, both because of his selection of produce and also his happy style.  He made it fun to be there.   As he made change from a cigar box his response to me was,

“If you are not happy today, then what day are you waitin for?”

As I drove home thinking about the question it struck me that our high self-expectations sometimes can keep us “watin for” some other day to be happy. When in fact, where we are right now probably is okay, maybe even pretty good in its own right.

Your current livelihood or circumstances may be below that of a micro-scale vegetable stand vendor or above a $700,000 Wall Street banker, or somewhere in-between.  But wherever you fall at the moment, you should not let your expectations of where you hoped to be undermine the recognition of the successes you’ve achieved and the enjoyments that are available to you today.

Sometimes our talents and circumstances reward us with the attainment of our expectations.  Sometimes they don’t.  And always there are setbacks, events and surprises beyond our control.

In evaluating your status, you are probably your own worst critic.  If so, you are not alone. Over four hundred years ago John Milton wrote that the mind “can make a hell out of heaven, or a heaven out of hell.”  The meaning and value we receive from life comes more from our state of mind then our state of place.

“I often see professionals who believe that if they didn’t flog themselves, they wouldn’t be as successful.  Part of my work is to break through that belief,” says doctor Katherine Muller, director of the Psychology Training Center at Montefiore Medical Center.  “People usually succeed in spite of their Inner Critics, not because of them.”

In previous articles we’ve detailed the solid research that demonstrates how the positive or negative nature of your self-evaluation turns on or off genes in your body that impact everything from the productiveness of your thinking to your susceptibility to disease and everyday energy levels.  So as you routinely self-evaluate the attainment of your expectations be positive and inclusive.

Don’t just dwell on what you haven’t accomplished.  Credit yourself and take pride in what you have achieved both externally and internally. Dollars and things count, but so do relationships. And most importantly, so do the virtues you’ve developed and positive emotions and support you reflect.

Truthfulness, courage, lovingness, work ethic and fortitude are the types of goals that add meaning and quality to your life.  They enrich who you are as much as what you have.  Pat yourself on the back for arriving at where you are as a person, as you aspire to grow and improve in the future.

And as you show up and strive towards your future aspirations, also remember the core expectations that produce everyday value and balance.  They are in fact the very definition of work-life balance:  To achieve something today and to enjoy something today.  Daily deliverance on those two expectations always produces a happier, more rewarding life and will help keep your expectations of yourself well balanced.