TAP® Into More Happiness

In our last article we overviewed the TAP® relationship tool. TAP empowers the engagement of these three primary life functions to create, positively change or better balance any relationship.

            T = Think

            A = Act

            P = Play`

Last month we focused on the Thinking part of TAP, specifically upgrading what you think of your life as a whole. We examined one scientifically authenticated two-to-three minute

practice that has demonstrated it can make you significantly happier and boost your overall perception of your life. It’s super simple. At the end of each day just write down three good things that happened to you. Elaborate on each a little bit if you choose to. That’s it.

Have you started noting three daily good things yet? If not, why not give it a try now? Take two minutes each evening to upgrade how you Think about your life. That’s it, and it’s fun.

Speaking of fun let’s switch from Thinking to the Play part of TAP and apply it in your relationships.

With all the unprecedented challenges we are now experiencing it is worth revisiting what “Play” is and a proven method to get more of it in our lives.

The “Play” life function is critical to our physical and psychological well-being.

Taking some time to Play every day reduces the production of excess stress hormones that produce negative physical and mental consequences. In addition to reducing negative stress, Play is vital to creating greater happiness, value and balance in your life.

But most of us are so caught up in the important and varied Actions of our everyday lives that we’re a bit foggy on what Play even is. So let’s clarify a key difference between the Action and Play life functions by defining the difference between a Meeting and a Date.

A “Meeting” is Action time, WITH major decision topics for one or more of the participants.

However, a “Date” is Playtime, with NO major decision topics for any of the participants.

A meeting is primarily about action, or thinking. It’s about doing, discussing or evaluating important decisions in your professional or personal life.

A Date is Play. It’s about rest and relaxation, smiles, laughs, some unwind time…and no major decision topics.

Let’s illustrate the importance of distinguishing the two with an example that strikes home with me. Let’s say you are in a long-term romantic relationship. With all that’s going on you’ve had lots of “meeting” discussions with your partner about finances, job security, health, your parents or children.

Let’s say you both decide to get away from it all with a picnic “date” – some R & R together.  You take some foods that delight you and head to that park you enjoy so much. You’ve taken the late afternoon off on a weekday so it’s not crowded and you settle in on your blanket or a picnic table.

Imagine a relatively private spot, a pleasant breeze, tasty food, maybe a little wine. You are having a good time. You might be talking about important topics like the future of artificial intelligence. Neither of you are AI engineers so no major decision topics there. Or manned space stations on the moon or mars. Neither one of you is an astronaut, so once again you don’t have to make any major decisions.

Or maybe you are romancing a little bit about what’s going to happen when you get home (the kids are with the grandparents)…no major decision topic. And you are laughing, smiling, flirting.

And then you say, “Oh by the way did you finish up that major project you had at work?”

And your partner says, “Oh no I didn’t. I can’t move ahead until I get the data I asked Jason for. We’re tight on the deadline. I need to text him now to see where we stand…”

What have you done to that date?

Right. You’ve turned it into a meeting.

And what have you done to the chemistry of the moment, maybe of the whole evening?

You’ve potentially ruined it simply by replacing Play with Action.

Now the longer you are involved in a romantic relationship the more joint responsibilities you are going to have. So it’s appropriate to have more meetings. But if you replace all of your dates with just having meetings, then all of the umph and all of the spark and vibrancy can go out of the relationship.

So if you are in a long-term romantic relationship now, and if not for future reference, regularly ask yourself this question:

Are you still dating? Or are you just having…meetings?

If you haven’t had a really good date lately, especially a romantic date, explain the difference between a date and a meeting to your significant other. Then go out and stick to the “no major decision topic” definition. At first you may find you just sit there, with seemingly nothing to talk about. It’s almost like being on a first date. But if you stick to it you’ll find it fun, relaxing and exciting focusing on a non-decision theme.

Now a date versus a meeting applies to more than just your romantic relationships. When I would ask my two daughters at 3 and 4 years old if they wanted to go to McDonald’s with me they would say, “Daddy, is this a date or is this a meeting?” They knew one was just for fun and the other was one of those life lesson things.

The same is true for your co-workers, friends, parents and siblings. Explain the difference and keep too many play distractions out of your meetings, and major decision topics out of your dates.

Whoever you are with, Play time means no major decision topics whether it’s the problem with a boss, the leak in the roof, the kids’ report cards or even your health, unless it’s good. Clarify up front whether you are going to have a Date or a Meeting. And when you are Playing be sure and celebrate the things that make up that moment – your surroundings, your meal, each other, yourself.

Remember your body, your mind and your spirit NEED this Play time for a healthy, happy whole life. Make enjoying non-decision topic Play “dates” a happy life requirement for yourself and those you care most about.

Jim Bird

jim@worklifebalance.com