Monitoring when and how you let your buttons be pushed will keep you from ceding control of your life to family, friends, co-workers, even strangers. Knowing and controlling how you in turn are triggering the switches of those around you can transform a poor relationship into a good one, and a good one into something exceptional. Here’s how.
(Average reading time 180 Seconds)
Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?
When you lose your temper without thought in reaction to someone or something you have ceded control of your emotions to a source outside you. Why do that? It doesn’t hurt them. In most cases it rewards them – they wanted you to have a negative feeling. But it does hurt you. Uncontrolled anger is bad for your health even in small doses and it is certainly bad for the enjoyment and productivity of your day.
Yet most of us react to our emotions without thinking, especially to negative emotions. This surrenders the command we have to thoughtfully direct our lives. Instead of reacting, stop…pause…gather yourself and say, “NO. I’m not going to let them push that button yet.” Then respond to your emotions, first with thought and then with intention. If anger, yelling, crying, are the right emotions then express them…with intention and control. If joy, wonder, love, pride or congratulations are knocking to get in or out, then open the door wide for them. But first check and make sure you are letting your emotions flow with healthy, positive intention and control, not because someone pushed your reactive button.
How Are You Pushing Other People’s Buttons?
Although it is true that you can’t control other people’s actions it is equally true that you can and do influence change within them, often without knowing it. The quickest and most effective way to change others is to recognize you do have sway and alter the way YOU interact with them. By modifying which of their positive or negative buttons you push, you can tremendously impact for the better how they react to you and for you.
There are three primary ways you push other people’s buttons:
1. The words you use or don’t use
2. The tone of those words
3. Your body language which includes your facial expressions.
Let’s start with the words. One of Mark Twain’s sage lines is, “A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.” So it is wise to take stock of the type of words you routinely use when speaking with and referring to the people in your life, including yourself.
On the left below is an alphabetic list of some favorite positive words. Take a few moments to note each word in that left column.
Admired Annoying
Beautiful Badgering
Confident Crabby
Determined Defensive
Exceptional Egotistical
Fun Frigid
Genuine Grouchy
Honest Hopeless
Inspiring Infuriating
Joyous Jealous
Kind Kept Out
Limitless Lazy
Motivated Messed Up
Noble Nagging
Observant Obsessive
Persistent Pessimistic
Quick Quarrelsome
Respected Ridiculous
Strong Stupid
Talented Tacky
Unique Unfriendly
Vibrant Vain
Wise Whiner
Youthful Yucky
Zestful Zealot
How did that make you feel?
Now scan the right list. Which list do you want to describe you? Which list do others want to be described from? Which words coming out of your mouth will generate the most positive professional or personal reaction to you?
What would happen if you took one word a day from the left column and used it to sincerely compliment someone you know? Would their reaction to you improve? Do you think your relationship might get better?
What if instead on a daily basis you caught some negative behavior of theirs and used a word from the right column to criticize them? Would the relationship be different? Probably. Maybe in substantial ways…created because you intentionally pushed different buttons.
Changing the words you use and fully engaging their meaning not only impacts on your character but can change that of those around you. Reinforcing positive behaviors is the proven best way to get more of them.
An important caveat: the words are only the starting point. By choosing to convey positive words you set an upbeat frame of reference for conversing. But long established studies show that as little as 10% of people’s reaction to what you say is the words you use. The other 90% is made up of the two other ways you push people’s buttons: your tone and body language.
So deliver the words with a tone that expresses the true positive meaning of the phrase you are conveying. In addition use open, focused body and eye language. For the few seconds it takes, be there…eyes, body, mind… only there, with that person. Reflect the kind of feeling you had when you read the column of positive words. Compliments don’t have to be long; they don’t have to be mushy. They do need to be sincere and repeated regularly.
This does not imply that you should never be critical. In any relationship, both professional and personal there will be times when it is appropriate to criticize an action or behavior. You do so for the growth of that person and the long term benefit of the relationship. But when you do, you should be in control, intentionally and rationally choosing to push that button; one that is constructive in what you say and how you say it.
So don’t use that spiteful phrase or tone that you know sets her off. Don’t give him that hateful look that you know shuts him down. Don’t take that slouchy, no eye contact, checking my cell phone posture when they are trying to talk to you.
Do insulate your key board when someone is trying to push your negative buttons. And instead of unnecessarily depressing other people’s harmful keys always be looking for the opportunity to push a relevant positive button. Start this habit now. Take 60 seconds to think of a person or two that deserves an encouraging poke from you today.
Now do it for those individuals and keep doing it for yourself and every other person that is important to you. Take control of the buttons. Push the right ones at the right time in the right way, every day.
Smiles,
Jim Bird
Publisher
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Quotes
“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.”
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
“Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
Dale Carnegie (1888-1955) was a pioneer in self-improvement and became famous for courses he developed that emphasized public speaking and interpersonal skills. He wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People which was first published in 1937. It has sold over 10 million copies and remains popular today.
“You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.”
Author Unknown